Becoming a teacher was always a dream of mine. When I would leave school in the afternoons I would come home just to play school (Trent finds this to be very strange). The lessons I would "teach" would stem from my actual homework. I loved school and I thought it would be so great to one day grow up to be a teacher! However, I knew that as much as I wanted to be a teacher I also wanted to be a mom. A mom like my mom. A mom who was home everyday to help with homework, bring lunch up to school for special occasions, play with me, read with me, bake with me, come to all of my events etc. I wanted to be a mom who was present for her children.
In my mind I thought I would teach for a few years (5 or so) and then decide to have children and stay at home. I made this plan very clear to Trent from the beginning. This plan allowed for me to do the two things I was very passionate about, I could have my cake and eat it too!
As I've stated before in the blog, I ended up doing two things I really never thought I would ever want to do. That is: Teaching kindergarten and teaching in a low income school. The reason I never wanted to teach kindergarten is because I thought it would be more of a glorified babysitting job. In my mind five and six year olds would color, eat glue, cry and just play in centers (Boy, was I wrong!!). The low income school setting was one that I had experienced while I was in college. I was to observe 30 hours in a very poor school in Oklahoma City. This particular school was one of the saddest places I had ever been. The walls were dark, no artwork was hung, while walking the hallways you could hear teachers screaming (literally) at children, and on top of that each student looked miserable. I first hand observed a teacher (the teacher I was assigned to watch) call a student stupid. After that experience I quickly made up my mind there was no way I would be caught teaching in such a terrible place.
However, when the phone rings and it's a school district offering you a job, you take it! I vividly remember the human resources lady saying to me, "It's a kindergarten job working with bilingual students. Does that interest you?" Before I really had a chance to think about it I was replying with, "Of course! That sounds great! I would love that job!" I didn't care what the job was. I would have been happy teaching Chinese to monkeys. I just wanted a teaching job so badly! I ended up teaching kindergarten to bilingual students in a low income school and I absolutely LOVED it! The students were so respectful and their parents were always grateful. From an outsider's view my classroom probably appeared to be like a Barney episode. We sang songs, danced, laughed, learned English, math and science. It was a blast. By the end of my second year I was promoted to be the kindergarten team leader and I was in charge of the beautification committee (we did projects like paint the nurse's office, decorate the halls, makeover the teacher's lounge etc.). I loved my job and I loved my school. Yes, faculty meetings and after school tutoring were by far my least favorite things to do, but the good always seemed to outweighed the bad.
That fall morning when I first found out that I was pregnant I was in total disbelief. I went to school that morning in a haze and I kept thinking how was I going to leave this wonderful job, my sweet students and my co-workers who had quickly become my friends. The plan was for me to leave when we started a family. I knew I wouldn't want to teach and be a mom. Coming home late after tutoring three days a week and trying to care for a baby would be tough. I wanted to stay home and be the mom. However, I needed to work. We just bought a house. We couldn't afford for me to stay at home! Do schools have part-time jobs? Would I want to work part-time? I remember telling Trent that I felt as if my two dreams were colliding.
When people found out I was pregnant, I always dreaded the next question: "Are you going to teach next year?" I would bravely put on a smile and say, "I'm not sure yet. I might try and work part-time at the school. I might even try to tutor." The smile always hid the emotions of uncertainty, the sad thought of cleaning out my classroom and the fear of having to work. I would tell people that working part-time would be great because then I would have a break from the mom role. That was not so much for them to hear but more of a way of talking myself into the thought that working would be great.
May rolled around very quickly. I had everything in my classroom ready for the substitute (okay, not just ready, but I was overly prepared). I might be leaving school two weeks early, but my students were still going to have the best last two weeks of school! I cried many times my last day. I was sad to be seeing my students for what might be the last time ever. I was sad that I was going to miss their kindergarten graduation, water day and the end of year party. I was sad thinking that this might be the last time I would be in a classroom as the teacher. Leaving a job that I loved.
After Jonah was born I couldn't stand the thought of not being at home with him everyday. I wanted to be present for all of his firsts and I wasn't about to pay someone to look after my sweet baby when I knew I was the best one for that job. In June, Trent and I made our decision to sell out house, cut our living expenses and pursue the triathlete lifestyle. We weren't exactly sure what this would mean for my job, except that I knew I wouldn't have to work full time. Trent encouraged me to talk to my principal and see if there would be something I could do at the school. I met with my principal and she explained that there really were no part-time jobs. The only thing she could offer me was to come and pull small groups for math tutoring. However, she couldn't offer me that officially. You see, the school pays for tutors with the Title I money that they receive from the government (and we all know that government money is never a guarantee). She would have to wait and offer me the job after school started and the money had arrived. The job was going to be perfect because I would have a say in my schedule, I wouldn't have to stay around for meetings or after school tutoring and I could keep an eye on my students from the past three years. This sounded great except for that I would have to resign my teaching job by the middle of July. Another leap of faith! I would have to quit one job with hope that my next job would fall into place.
I remember the morning I called my principal to tell her that I would not be returning in August. I cried all morning thinking about giving up the job I loved. I cried thinking about how I might never see my students ever again. Trent kept telling me that I could go back, but I knew in my heart that being a mom was what I was meant to do. I couldn't stand the thought of leaving Jonah with daycare workers (no offense to any daycare workers). A couple of weeks later I had to go up to school and clean out my classroom. This made the situation seem so real to me. I packed everything up in big plastic boxes and brought them home to store.
July, August, September and a week in October came and went before I heard any news from my school. Finally, the principal called! She said that she would love for me to come and tutor math. She wanted me to work with kindergarten and first grade students. I was delighted! I had loved being at home with Jonah, but there was a small part of me that longed to be teaching again. I work 3 days a week for two and a half hours. It's perfect because I'm not away from Jonah for too long and I get to enjoy my love for teaching.
As the author of Ecclesiastes so poetically said there is a time for everything under the sun. My time for being a kindergarten teacher may be over, but the time for me being a mom is in full swing. I love this season of my life and I am truly enjoying my new role as mom (and 7.5 hour a week math tutor)!
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